What world have I been living in....

To think that the weight that I gained during pregnancy would just disappear magically after nine months? I have a friend that told me it took her a full nine months to get back to her before-pregnancy self. I thought at the time, wow that is a long time. Well guess what, Clara will be nine months old in just a few days and I am most definitely NOT back to my pre-pregnancy self. Sure, I am pretty close weight wise, I only have a few more pounds to go. But there is a HUGE difference between myself then and now. We all know that muscle weighs MUCH more than fat so I was simply delusional to think once I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight the battle was over. It is far from over. I am now XXX pounds of sagging .....well basically bones, organs, skin, and fat. Before I was XXX pounds of all that but much more muscle. The latter of the two is so much more preferable! Now I will admit I never had to work REALLY hard to be thin before, it just sort of happened. I mean, I watched what I ate to a certain point ( I did not deprive myself of what I really wanted), and I exercised fairly often because I enjoyed it (maybe a few times a week). But I never had to work my tail off to achieve alright results. Life has most definitely taken a turn! I am going to have to really work pretty hard to get to where I will be comfortable in my own skin. Well this realization hit me last week so I had made up my mind to go to the gym this week. Monday;I did good I went and I enjoyed it. Tuesday; I had a bridal shower so instead I ate a ton of food and cake. Wednesday; planned on going to the gym, but my babysitting arrangements fell through. Instead I ate almost a whole KING SIZE symphony bar..with toffee and almonds ( you don't even want to know how many calories are in that). Not to mention the huge dinner I ate just before. Yeah, so far not so good.

What world have I been living in to think that I can eat the same size portions as my 6'2 husband who is a good deal larger in stature than I am. I am just 5'9 but I have been eating like I am a 6'2 man! C'mon, I mean who does that and still expects to just lose weight, well I should say, look and feel better? In what world can someone not exercise and expect their muscles to just toane and strengthen themselves? In what world can someone eat WHATEVER junk they want in fairly large quantities and expect to feel healthy? Because if you know of that world I want to go there, it is where I belong! Because really that is how I have been living! Oh and not to mention I am a total hypocrite telling some other people that they can do it, they can eat right and exercise and they will feel so much better! I have NO room to talk!

So I am sad to say I must say I must leave this dreamworld and come back to earth. I need to WAKE UP! Before I had totally taken for granted my metabolism and my free time to exercise and to do things I enjoyed, and that were good for me. I wish I would have appreciated it more when I had that blessing!

Now I don't mean to imply that I am not happy with my life right now because I really am. I am in love with my husband and in love with my daughter. They mean more to me than I can ever say. Sometimes though I do wish I had more time to go to the gym. And I really wish there were a Gold's gym close to my house because that is where I have a membership. Going to the gym now is a huge process and hassle. I have to find someone to watch Clara for a while, I have to make sure I pack half of the house for whoever is watching her (or so it seems), I have to plan it out so that I can be home to cook dinner, and I really don't want to cut into the little time I have with Chris. But my parents and sisters(who live close to Golds Gym) are not home when I have time to go to the gym. Not to mention the fact that the entire time I am working out I am absolutely stressing out about how Clara is, if she is crying and screaming or how she is handling me not being there. (Because she is a MAJOR mama's girl). SO I am discouraged! I just don't see it working out, no matter how badly I want it to. Working out at home for me is not all that productive. I do SO much better when I am at the gym. I LIKE to go to the gym. Whereas at home, I don't like to watch the same videos over and over again. Well I could hope of finding someone to watch Clara around my house for a while so I can go to the gym, but I would feel so guilty because I could not pay them at the moment. Why can't there just be a Golds Gym where I live!? Why can't I just be healthy and thin and toned magically? Why can't life be easy?!

I know the answer to that question, and I understand the answer. I realize I have to learn, I have to learn a lot. I have to learn to work hard, I have to learn to persevere and endure, I have to learn to be patient, I have to learn to be accepting, I have to learn to love ( and not just others, myself too), I have to learn to trust, I have to learn to live, live in this world and on this planet with all of it's heartache and challenges. I really have to learn to love my life AS IS! To enjoy the journey and the experience. ALL of it!!! And I will , it just takes time I guess.

Onward we go. I am GOING to make it to the gym.. somehow I will!

Well I think I am done wallowing for now, done venting. All of this because a symphony bar put me over the edge!