My Confession

Okay so I am finally coming out and saying it. I am stuck!

I have been stuck at the same weight for months now. I was steadily losing weight after my pregnancy but I am now at a stand still. I had A LOT of weight to lose considering I gained sixty pounds in that nine months I was pregnant! And I have not done all that bad in losing a lot of it but I still have 13 pounds to lose. And if I lost that weight I would not even be to where I was when I got married. But I decided it would be close enough so that I could feel good about it. And 13 pounds compared to 60 is not much but it makes a huge difference in how I feel and also how I look. I never feel comfortable! I always have that roll over my pants, my arms are jiggly, my legs are still trunk-like, and the bootie... oh dear. And besides the way I look I am in terrible shape! I remember the days when I could squat and get back up, I didn't even have to think of it. NOW it takes a lot of effort especially if I am holding Clara.

So the idea is if I get it out there and confess, that I will get over that hump! Don't ask me how it is really going to help. But my goal is that I will pretend like there are people who are counting on me to do it besides myself and that sense of obligation will get me going. Last week I borrowed my moms exercise videos and VCR so I started working out. I have Taebo, The Firm, and Paula Abdul's get up and dance. Now I have another confession, I have not done The Firm video because it requires equipment like a step and weights. My step and weights are downstairs and I do my workout upstairs. The main reason I have not gotten them yet is because I don't want to have to take it up and down every day and I don't want the equipment sitting out in my family room all day. That is a totally lame excuse, I know. But in my brain it makes sense. I hate the mess. But in reality if I want this I am just going to have to deal with it. Then there is the factor of making time for it. It seems like Clara takes all of my attention and energy, and don't get me wrong for her (who I love more than anything!), I love to do it! But it is just finding an hour that I can work out, and then I should shower too so that I am not a sweaty stinky mess.

But for me exercising is the easy part. It is the FOOD!!! I love food and I love carb rich food!
And if something is in front of me I just eat it! It doesn't matter if I am full or sick or don't like the food all that much, I still eat it! And I eat until I am full. To me that is satisfaction. I am not satisfied just to not be hungry anymore. Hmmmm.. I think I have issues!
But I don't know how to motivate myself to eat better so, if there are any tips out there let me know! One thing that seems to sort of work, sometimes, is I picture a little vile of fat that I am injecting myself with if I eat fattening foods. But I usually forget to picture that before I have stuffed my face. And I NEED some freedom with food. I can't tell myself NO sugar or I will just binge. I have to allow myself some pleasure in food, it is just finding that balance.

Then there is the fact that I seem to quit everything I start. Ever since I was young I have done that. Piano, guitar, dance, basketball, tennis, paintings...you get the picture. I feel like I never accomplish anything I start. So that does not help anything either.

So there it is, it is out there, I have a problem. But I am working on it! I have thirteen pounds to go! Wish me luck. It is going to be a rough road because it is really not just physical it is very emotional as well. But through the journey I hope to gain a better sense of self discipline and confidence that I CAN achieve a goal I set for myself.